Dragons and Reflections

Look what I found for JJ... heh heh heh...

Rawr!! With all those snaggle teeth coming in he certainly fits the part of a drooling dragon!

 And I'm still laughing... 

 Johanna got to wear her sparkly red dress for her Christmas party at school.

She even let me do her hair pretty for the event :)

 And then she made sure to make goofy faces in all the pictures I took of her. Don't you love this new face of hers?

 In case you didn't get a good enough idea of how goofy she is here are a couple more. She cracks me up!

 There's my little sweet pea.

 Merry Christmas from Johanna!

 Johanna made her teachers some Christmas cards. She was so excited to bring them in to class with her.

Ernie helped a little. Oh and by Ernie I meant Bernie. Yes, after some deliberation we decided to officially change Ernie's name. Johanna has been calling him Bernie from the start. At first I thought that was how she was pronouncing Ernie. But after being corrected several times by my toddler ('No Mom, it's BER-nie") we decided he really was a Bernie. We talked to Santa and did it all legally of course. So, meet Bernie, again ;)

 I was going to write my reflections on the tragedy that occurred last week but I couldn't stop writing and it turned into a ten paragraph monologue (if I could call it that?) I think the emotions from the events are just too raw. My heart is just so heavy for the entire community of Newtown, Connecticut. The tragedy that occurred at Sandy Hook elementary just hit home in so many ways. My Sister and best friends back home are teachers and school counselors. Most of my friends here in Colorado that are working are in our schools. My brother-in-law is a cop. It could have been any of them that were shielding their students from the bullets or running toward the building blindly to stop the shooter. While in the Air Force as a medic we had mass casualty training frequently and thankfully I never put it to use. It was training for war. Some days it feels like we are living on the front lines. I can't imagine the horror those first responders had to deal with and the memories they will be haunted with forever. And even more sadly, they couldn't put their skills to use since there were no survivors to treat. I think back to the fear I had for JJ's surgery and the feeling of helplessness that came with it. President Obama couldn't have said it better in his speech this past Sunday with describing the joy and anxiety of parenthood as the equivalent of having your heart outside of your body all the time, walking around.

 

I am thankful for my faith. I know those little ones and their teachers are in a better place. I know Jesus was there to walk them home. But I know their parents have empty beds tonight. Closest full of little outfits those little girls probably adored just like my little one loves her dresses. Beds crammed full with their favorite stuffed animals that will never be cuddled again. Books that will never be read. I can't even fathom the amount of pain and loss they are experiencing right now.

I wasn't sure how I would feel dropping Johanna off at her class yesterday morning. I will admit I felt a little anxiety walking her up to the doors. But as soon as I saw Johanna's face light up when she saw her beloved teachers my fears were eased. When I watched Miss Paula wrap Johanna up into her arms for a big good morning bear hug I saw just how much these ladies care for our kiddos. I was reminded of a prayer Jeff and I said on our wedding day. I asked for the assistance I need to be a good wife and mother. If God were to bless me with motherhood  I promised to devote myself to my children even to the point of stepping aside when they must walk alone. It's funny looking back to our wedding day those prayers and words meant little to me. Stepping aside? I thought. Why would that be a concern as a parent? Aren't parents happy when their kids move out of the house at 18 to go on to college? But it isn't just about turning into an adult and moving out onto your own. It's the little steps leading up to that. Letting them stay at Grandma's for the night, allowing them to play on their own without you, saying goodbye as they go off to preschool on their own. Those are all things you may think no big deal but as a parent they are little steps your child is taking away from you toward their own independence and it is hard! Parenthood is hard. But as a parent you move on and watch them grow knowing you are doing your best to raise them. You can't always be there for them every minute of the day and you need to trust others with their safety and guidance as well. It is hard to do after days like last Friday.

So I was still troubled after dropping her off. I arrived back to church a little earlier than expected and had some time to spare so I decided to spend some time in our Adoration Chapel. While sitting in the pew I had a conversation with God. What do we do now, God? Love. Love? Love who? Love all. I think what God was telling me is we can't let worry and doubt take over our lives. But what we can do is show love to everyone. As Gandhi said be the change you want to see in the world. Stop gossiping, help those in need and always have kind things to say. We can't change anyone but ourselves but who knows who we can help from our attitudes? I left the chapel with my heart feeling much less heavy. No, the tragedy hasn't gone away and lives are still lost. Issues still need to be addressed in our country and change needs to be made. But I was left with a goal. Something I can do starting now, love all. And maybe if we all make these little changes in our lives love will overcome all and these tragedies will be a thing of the past.

 

So I still turned my thoughts into several paragraphs but maybe that's what we all need to do. Talk about our emotions and how this stuff effects us. I may fear for my children's future in a world grown so bleak but I do have hope that we can change starting now.

 

O Lord, omnipotent Father, we give you thanks for having given us children. They are our joy, and we accept with serenity the worries, fears, and labors which bring us pain. Help us to love them sincerely. Through us you gave life to them; from eternity you knew them and loved them. Give us the wisdom to guide them, patience to teach them, vigilance to accustom them to the good through our example. Support our love so that we may receive them back when they have strayed and make them good. It is often so difficult to understand them, to be as they would want us to be, to help them go on their way. Grant that they may always see our home as a haven in their time of need. Teach us and help us, O good Father, through the merits of Jesus, your Son and our Lord. Amen.